Brother Can You Spare A Dime?

The holidays are almost over. But here's what our neighborhood is sprinkled with...

Let it snow, let it snow

Baked beer bread from Tastefully Simple -- just a bottle of Killian's Red, mix, stir--bake. Yum. The smell is sweet, bakery fresh; warming on a cold day. The kids are playing in the snow. Daisy, our golden retriever/spaniel/Irish setter mutt is having a ball frolicking in and out of snow drifts.

I'd say we got about 14 inches on Long Island. I watch from the living room bay window as they dig a white tunnel and are writhing in and out of the mounds of snow. I don't remember the last time we had a blizzard. Well we had a lot of snow last March, but this seems like more.

Today was tough. I spent a debilitating hour in bed. Where am I going and what am I doing? Tom's still freelancing thank God but nothing permanent, yet. Do I go back to work? I am not ready for full time workload. I hated when my mother went back to work and I became a latchkey kid coming home from Jr. High, the most hormone whirlwind, identity-forming emotional time of life and I opened the door myself to an empty house and dealt with life and my issues alone. Is it unfair that my mom should have had a life outside of motherhood, too? Sure. Is it unfair that I also want to dress nicely and converse with adults and make some REAL money and have a life outside, too? Sure. But, I'm not ready. I don't want to abandon my kids yet. Isn't that the point and why I wanted to be a mom? To be here for them and guide them through life? I'm in a major transformation lately, re-evaluating just about everything in my life from unhealthy relationships to my priorities. I'm going through some kind of major shift in thinking about who I really am and what do I really want out of life.

I eat beer bread and sip jasmine green tea. The beer bread ran out quickly while our daughters' friend is over. Daisy came in with snow balls crusted all over her fur. I lay my warm hands on her legs to melt the ice.

What Do You Do????

Went to a lovely dinner / cocktail party last night. As the mulled wine flowed and we ate delicious treats like sauerkraut meatballs -- yum -- we talked about the economy. How do we keep our heads above water? Living in a middle class section of a town nestled on Long Island's Gold Coast, we talked about driving around drooling over McMansions within the surrounding neighborhoods up North. I often wonder what do these people do for a living to afford that gorgeous home. Our friend Dennis came up with an interesting concept. Drum Roll....ta da....

Dennis Day.
Just once a year everyone should be required to hang a shingle on their front lawn:
I'm a screenplay writer! Model! Director of Hedge Funds! Playboy--Inherited it ALL! Slept my way to the top! Doctor! I have a Sugar Daddy!

Stress

So, I'm back on here for a while. (See daughters and moms for other posts www.daughtersandmoms.com ) This is always the worst time of the year, leading up to the holidays. Every year it comes. Every year it hits. I try different ways to holiday shop -- online's easier, gift cards, etc. Maybe you're there. Maybe you're crying daily like I am. Tonight both Tom and I will miss Kelly's Winter Concert. We have NO choice. Tom has to schmooze at his freelance gig's Xmas party and I had a freelance article due and this is the only night they're meeting. Kelly is PISSED to say the least.

"You made me practice the Cello a half hour EVERYDAy. And now you can't come," sulking boo hoo face.

True.

"Why can't you?"

Can't. Beacause, mommy needs to use that muscle in her head that's been withering, slowly decaying amidst laundry, walk the dog, feed the dog, bath the dog. "Mom, need new crayons. Mom, what's for dinner. Mom, it's my turn on the computer." My novel that I started now four years ago is rotting on the computer. I shut down like a stone when I try to re-write it to the point of shaking and crying in front of the laptop screen. Mommy needs to work. My brain is jello. We need money.